The Trials and Tribulations of an Interfaith Marriage
- By KC Walensky
- Published 12/28/2009
- Marriage
- Unrated
KC Walensky
KC Walensky is the "Ketubah Guru" at MP Artworks, the leading U.S. producer of ketubahs. Contact KC to learn about an interfaith ketubah text for your interfaith wedding.
View all articles by KC Walensky
I am Jewish and my wife is not. Can an interfaith marriage work? The answer is definitely yes. But it's not always easy.
Here is a personal experience from one who has lived through it and has enjoyed (and is still enjoying!) thirty-two (32) years of marriage.
The first milestone to conquer was the fact that my then-fiancé was not Jewish. I heard from the family and friends: "Couldn't you find a nice Jewish girl?" "Don't you understand your children will not be Jewish?" and of course the old saying: " Oy Gevald!; He's engaged to a Shikseh." Fortunately, in my case, my fiancé won them over with her sweetness and I explained to all that this was the girl for me. Eventually, global (family) warming occurred and the issue became moot. It was interesting that her family was solely concerned with me - as a person - the fact that I was Jewish was totally irrelevant.
Next up was the wedding. We got married in her territory - upstate New York. Finding a Rabbi in that area was like getting a box seat at a Yankees-Sox game - Slim Pickins - which really made the interfaith aspect easier. So we settled on a Justice of the Peace. However, the one we selected forgot about the wedding (hunting trip) so we ended up with a Mayor from another town. The problem was he had no jurisdiction in the town where the wedding/reception was taking place, so he married us for real in his living room the morning of the wedding and he then performed a bogus ceremony (very few knew it was not the real McCoy) at the wedding/reception.
One area where there were
no problems was the Holidays. It wasn't difficult to exchange gifts on Chanukah and Christmas. I quite enjoyed it. Getting everything that you wrote out for a present list followed by a Turkey dinner with all the trimmings was not tough to take. To me, it was an opportunity to benefit from both "worlds".
Fast forward: five years. The birth of our son. My parents wanted him named after my late grandmother (Esther). However, we did not like any names beginning with the letter 'E'. So we came up with our own name using a baby naming book. Well after hearing the name we had chosen for our son, my parents did not speak to us for three (3) months. It was only after we wrote a letter telling them it was our son not theirs and the fact that I was named utilizing a baby book, they resumed communication. We also compromised by having a baby naming ceremony giving him a Hebrew name using the names of the grandparents.
One of the biggest problems was how to raise the child - church vs. synagogue (sounds like a movie). It was decided to expose our son to both religions until he was old enough to choose for himself. So he attended a church and a temple, was exposed to all holidays, and eventually decided what religious belief he wanted when he turned eighteen. Our daughter followed the same path.
So as you can see, there can be many hurdles to conquer in an Interfaith marriage, especially with opinionated friends and family (yentas) and if the marriage has produced offspring. However, like most problems in life, with patience and understanding an Interfaith marriage can be a very successful and rewarding relationship. I have thirty-two (32) happy years to prove that it indeed can work.
Here is a personal experience from one who has lived through it and has enjoyed (and is still enjoying!) thirty-two (32) years of marriage.
The first milestone to conquer was the fact that my then-fiancé was not Jewish. I heard from the family and friends: "Couldn't you find a nice Jewish girl?" "Don't you understand your children will not be Jewish?" and of course the old saying: " Oy Gevald!; He's engaged to a Shikseh." Fortunately, in my case, my fiancé won them over with her sweetness and I explained to all that this was the girl for me. Eventually, global (family) warming occurred and the issue became moot. It was interesting that her family was solely concerned with me - as a person - the fact that I was Jewish was totally irrelevant.
Next up was the wedding. We got married in her territory - upstate New York. Finding a Rabbi in that area was like getting a box seat at a Yankees-Sox game - Slim Pickins - which really made the interfaith aspect easier. So we settled on a Justice of the Peace. However, the one we selected forgot about the wedding (hunting trip) so we ended up with a Mayor from another town. The problem was he had no jurisdiction in the town where the wedding/reception was taking place, so he married us for real in his living room the morning of the wedding and he then performed a bogus ceremony (very few knew it was not the real McCoy) at the wedding/reception.
One area where there were
Fast forward: five years. The birth of our son. My parents wanted him named after my late grandmother (Esther). However, we did not like any names beginning with the letter 'E'. So we came up with our own name using a baby naming book. Well after hearing the name we had chosen for our son, my parents did not speak to us for three (3) months. It was only after we wrote a letter telling them it was our son not theirs and the fact that I was named utilizing a baby book, they resumed communication. We also compromised by having a baby naming ceremony giving him a Hebrew name using the names of the grandparents.
One of the biggest problems was how to raise the child - church vs. synagogue (sounds like a movie). It was decided to expose our son to both religions until he was old enough to choose for himself. So he attended a church and a temple, was exposed to all holidays, and eventually decided what religious belief he wanted when he turned eighteen. Our daughter followed the same path.
So as you can see, there can be many hurdles to conquer in an Interfaith marriage, especially with opinionated friends and family (yentas) and if the marriage has produced offspring. However, like most problems in life, with patience and understanding an Interfaith marriage can be a very successful and rewarding relationship. I have thirty-two (32) happy years to prove that it indeed can work.